wkend hodgepodge

last week one of our CEOs told me that the world is my oyster. i understand the gist of what he's saying, but what exactly does that analogy refer to? i guess i don't really understand how oysters function, i just really like to eat them. i'll look it up on wikipedia today.

i was at home in LA this wkend. my papa has always told me that i should find someone 'tender and true' to be with for the rest of my life. he says he's not tender, but he's true. ha. funny enough, it seems near impossible to find both. i also think i'm going to make a list of what is truly important to me/what makes me happy this week. i've been having the dawning suspicion that what makes me happy now may very well not be what makes me happy forever. i think that's the case with everyone, but ultimately, it changes the way you look at the type of person you want to end up with forever. inevitably, i won't be exactly the same person in ten years as i am now - but will a person who says he loves me now still be able to love me as much then as he does now? that, to me is commitment. an ability to do your best to work through difficulties together and preserve this precious thing that you claim to believe in and are willing to work for.

the problem is that i suddenly find myself doubting my ability to judge anyone's true nature. i'm a good judge of character, that, i believe - but we're all self-deceived, and part of the quest of life is figuring out when you are, and learning from it. and so, actions speak louder than words, and maybe even louder than my own intuition. you can't just deny past evidence bc most of the time it speaks from the heart. everytime i've hurt someone, even if i did it unintentionally, i did it bc i simply didn't care enough for that person. and somehow, i think that theory is universal. and that's sad.

but i guess that's where proof of love comes in. we're human, and taking a leap of faith is difficult. you can only reach that pinnacle of belief when you have enough tangible evidence to make that jump. anyone who thinks they are doing it on their own is only being oblivious to the gifts of love all around them. the opposite is true as well. you can only believe for so long without ample proof of love (that threshold of proof, how much you need, is mutually determined within any relationship) - you fall below that threshold and everything goes to hell.

but one thing i do know, i really don't want to wake up when i'm 45, look at the man in my bed next to me and say, "my life sucks. and you've got everything in the world to do with it." i wonder what i'll look like when i'm 45.

that takes me to the subject of giving. i strongly believe that relationships thrive off this concept of giving of yourself. giving love, giving affection, giving time, whatever. that's what makes people feel loved. and wherever there is an imbalance there, a relationship is flawed. i think that if you are able to feel that you've received just as much as you've given - you won't wake up next to someone one day and blame him for any opportunity costs you may have paid along the way. and if you do, then either a) you're totally selfish and neurotic, or b) you were ignorant of your own needs and his ability to meet them. which takes me back to my fervent belief that every choice has it's consequences. and seriously, take responsibility and DEAL WITH IT. it will always be easier to blame circumstances. but i sure as hell am not going to end up with someone who does that by nature.

Carl Jung said that "Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering." I think that's bullsh*t. My neurosis is legitimate suffering. I have a real problem spelling the word legitimate, for some reason. legitamite. legitimite...legitimate. my english real good.