just for me

my alarm is going off, omg, what is that noise?? i roll over, grab blindly for my blackberry and push a button, any button. it's 5:52am. i never set my alarm clock at a multiple of five, it gives me more time to snooze. slowly, my senses start to wake up, i moan and turn and curl up, no, don't ring yet, be silent, stay dark, let me sleep - "do-do-do-do-do-do-do bzzbzzbzzbzz" - damn the vibrate and ring mode. ten minutes have passed already. but it's 6:02 now isn't it? ha, i have four more minutes until 6:05. i am a genius.

but for two weeks now, i've been doing it - Monday through Friday. (i know that's not very long, but hey, i can barely do anything everyday for two whole weeks!) it's still dark outside, i stumble into the bathroom, brush my teeth, change, throw my work clothes in my bag, and don't forget the shoes so i'm not wearing flip flops with workclothes... and off i go. and you know what? i love it. driving to work after practice at 8am, i have plenty of time, i stop in at il fornaio for a 2% latte, one shot - just enough for the health benefits, but not so much that it'll shoot me to the moon. i shower at work and i'm at my desk by quarter to nine. perfect.

but most importantly? it's just for me. this insane routine of waking up before the sun has, getting in a room with 25+ other ppl much more dedicated and much more advanced than i am, completely shutting off my brain, shutting off the outside world, and focusing only on my body and my breath. (do i sound like a junkie yet? ;)

i spend much of my life doing things for other people, consciously or subconsciously. and don't get me wrong, i like most all the things i do, but rarely is it just for me. stanford - best decision of my life - but clearly not just for me. church, religion, piano, music - all building blocks of my life who make me who i am today, but much moreso for my mother. banking, venture, my career, my future - are these for me? perhaps, but i'm not so sure. where i will live, who i will share my life with, choices and more choices - all of those must take into account different people. losing weight, eating, i could go on and on. and like i said, there are parts of everything that i do enjoy and do for myself, but not just for myself. so i have always found little things to fill my life with, to in part create a hodgepodge of twinklings that are simply and sweetly to my fancy.

and yoga every morning? it is just that. two hours of my very own time, in which i'm focused, working, disciplined, and silent. and the reprieve, rush and accomplishment i feel afterwards. it's like buying an expensive handbag, finding a brilliant pair of shoes, exploring the streets of London, baking chocolate bread pudding and spiced cream from scratch, gingerbread lattes and pumpkin pie - but with none of the guilt, and so much more productivity and some pretty good health benefits. so let's see if it lasts. i really hope it does. but damn, am i tired by 10pm.